I’ve been thinking a lot this week about the fine line that separates our actions into those of discipline and love based on truth, and those of grace and mercy based on valid excuses.

It started with book group on Monday.  Espero had chosen a book which the rest of us pretty much hated! The good thing about it though, besides being well written, was that it prompted lively discussion.  The book was Blue Shoe by Anne Lamott, and most of us disliked it because we disliked the main character, Mattie, and the fact that a huge number of difficult things happened to her in a short space of time.  

I came home thinking I hadn’t articulated my feelings about Mattie very clearly – as I heard myself speak I realised I sounded very judgemental.  Talking it over with KBE (despite the fact he hadn’t read the book) I decided my main problem with the character was that she was almost completely selfish, kept making dreadful choices, and didn’t change or develop much as she dealt with all the horrible situations.  In the midst of this she prayed a lot, but her faith in God never seemed to affect her actions.  Espero was much more gracious towards her, and pointed out that in her situation, she did the best she could.  Espero admired her for this, but I kept thinking she was missing out on so much because she didn’t do enough, wasn’t willing enough to do the ‘right thing’.

The thing was, she had no-one who challenged her actions, held her accountable or showed her that faith in God should be transformative rather than a lucky charm. This last thought has stuck in my head all week: when do we challenge wrong actions and behaviour, and when do we excuse them and simply offer support because we know there are extenuating circumstances?  It’s a fine line.

At home group on Tuesday we talked briefly about the ‘culture war’ in America which many Christians feel they need to wage on the world around them.  How do we both oppose and sin and share Christ’s love?  It’s a fine line.  Jaybercrow posed some hard questions for our home group, including:

• How do we oppose abortion while still showing love to women who have had abortions?
• How do we say sex outside marriage is wrong and support single mothers?

I’ve been thinking a lot about these issues all week, and Jaybercrow has promised to deal with some of them in January (yay!), so I can kind of wait until then for the theological answers!  The more I’ve thought, the more I’ve realised it cuts across a lot of what I do at home and in school too.

How do I teach the boys to be obedient, make clear that some things are wrong, and help them grow up to treat others with love while also loving them and making allowances when they’re tired, grumpy, feeling ignored etc.  The reality is that the dude often misbehaves when I’m ‘busy’ with something else – so in a way it’s my fault!  Of course, I can’t let him get away with pushing over his brother (to give a frequent example!), but how much allowance do I make for all the other factors?  How much grace do I show him, and how much discipline? It’s a fine line.

In school too – I know that lots of pupils are dealing with really difficult home situations, so I’m tempted to make allowances for them.  Am I really doing them a favour by not holding them up to my normal standards?  It’s a fine line.

The bane of my Yr 12 class (who I referred to in my last post) has a messy home life, including 6 half-siblings, plus a younger brother.  He’s seen an Ed Psych. for help with anger management and is becoming more isolated in the class, as his peers who used to laugh with him now laugh at him.  The reasons he behaves as he does are obvious; but they cannot be an excuse.  He needs someone to be on his side, to want the best for him that he doesn’t seem to want for himself.  The problem is, being on his side means becoming engaged in the messy work of exposing where he’s going wrong (and dealing with the sometimes violent outbursts that follow) as well as gently helping him improve in other areas (ie T&L, Shakespeare coursework, exam questions – the stuff I’m actually paid for).  

I’ve just realised that this messy work of exposing where we’re going wrong (and dealing with the sometimes violent outbursts that follow) as well as gently helping us improve in other areas is pretty much what God does for us.  I just need to work out how to do it too.